Journaling… Medicine for My Life

work picI am antsy. I feel unsatisfied. I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know what I want. I feel like I am stuck in Ground Hog’s day. Working on the same files at the office every day. Trying to write everyday, but getting caught up in cleaning the kitchen and feeding the dog. I think I want to escape into a literary world… to leave my world for just a few hours and dive into the world of others… to experience their days, their feelings, their problems and solutions.

I work all day today, I have a five-hour hike scheduled for tomorrow morning, and  heading to Aunt Trisha’s house on Saturday evening for a mini-family reunion. Sunday, we’ll prepare for the upcoming week, wonder how the weekend is already over, help get the girls packed and ready for camp on Monday, and do the incessant mundane… dinner and such. Monday… maybe this day will be my saving grace. I don’t work (even though I should). The girls will leave for camp in the afternoon. If I can either have the house already clean and my Clark County Live writing done… or just ignore it all… maybe I can engorge myself into 1984 (currently reading George Orwell’s dystopian classic… not sure this story will lift my spirits :)).

I hate feeling like this. The incessant mundane of dinner??? I love nothing more than to spend time with my family and eating. A five-mile hike through the Multnomah Falls area… AWESOME! Yet I just feel blah about it all. I don’t want to do any of it. I wonder if I have a chemical imbalance.

Just journaling this is making me feel a tad better. It is inspiring me a bit to work on my more fulfilling ventures… to work on my story for instance. Or to clean my house in preparation for my Monday retreat. But alas, I am at work. I cannot write, read, or clean my house. I have to tackle these files, answer these billing questions, send these ID cards… and get shit done. I feel a little urge kindling inside… Today maybe I can get caught up. I am behind, I hate being behind. The thought just poked its evil nose into my mind… so what if I get caught up, then what… OH… the same as before, more shit to do! But, I CHOOSE to push it away, and not think about ‘what next’. I will focus on getting caught up. The pleasure of marking things off the list. The enjoyment of a cleared-off desk.

In Proverbs 31, it says to give me (doesn’t say me, but does say, ‘HER’… and my goal is to BE a Proverbs 31 woman… so in essence, it is ME!) the fruit of my hands, and let my own work praise me in the gates. In order for me to have the fruits of my hand, the fruit of my labor… in order for my own works to earn me praise at the gates… I better get out of this funk and do work that I want the fruit of. Work that deserves praise at the gates.

Gotta get out of this funk, and the first step is changing my attitude… sometimes easier said than done!

Until we meet again…

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