Yesterday was my first post in a while. It was about my transition from being Mom-to-Children to being Mom-to-Adults. It was a happy post, about me finding a new groove in this season of my life, and how I am pleased with my relationships.
As I was posting it.. I kid you NOT… my groove was thrown off, and my heart was broken into a million little pieces. Sometimes I am so fragile, so erratic. I honestly wonder if I am normal, or if something is wrong with me. How can I feel fine one moment, and then be so crushed the next moment?
AND THEN… I think… why am I so hurt by repeated behavior? Why do I not EXPECT it? Why am I blindsided?
AND THEN… I wonder… why do I make myself so vulnerable to relationships that hurt me? Over and over again. Why don’t I protect myself from the tears and hurt?
Let me be clear…I am not referring to an abusive relationship. I am referring to my daughter and my husband. And they are behaving like a typical teenage girl and a typical husband. Self-centered, tunnel-vision, disregard for the people around them.
I did have a good evil laugh when I muttered to myself; “Two peas in a fucking pod”. These two clash. BECAUSE THEY ARE SO MUCH ALIKE!!
My hurt quickly warps to raging mad. Does anyone else experience this? Do I need to find a shrink?? My tears dry up and my face gets hard. I stubbornly decide that if they want their space, FINE… they can have it. They can braid their own hair and buy their own Dutch, and wash their own laundry, and buy their own coffee creamer, and wash your own pans (does anyone else’s husband use 15 pots and pans when he cooks?!!). I feel like that’s all they want from me anyways.
And then my heart breaks again. I hear the gentle whisper, reminding me that I’m not going to be like that. That’s not who I am. And reassuring me that they really do love me. They love me in a way that I don’t understand. They love me in their own self-centered way, to the best of their ability. (Or at least, that’s what I’m going to tell myself) So I go from tears to rage and back to tears.
This morning, I finished reading, Killing Jesus by Bill O’Reilly and Martin Dugard. Jesus sacrificed everything. He LOVED people. He loved bad people, and mean people. He was mocked, and berated, and betrayed. Then he was tortured and killed. But He loved passionately through it all. I’m upset because my husband doesn’t notice me, even when I’m gone for half the day, because he’s too busy organizing his fishing tackle for the millionth time, and because my daughter isn’t comfortable with me watching her and insists that I not go to her senior picture shoot. In comparison… my problems are pretty insignificant.
Insignificant or not, it still hurts.
In Luke 6:27, Jesus says, “…I say to you… Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, and pray for those who spitefully use you”. If I am supposed to do all this for my enemies… I’m sure I shouldn’t be withholding my love and good deeds, and prayers from my children and my husband! The chapter goes on to say… “if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you?”
Loving a difficult person speaks of integrity. It is an unremarkable thing to only love the easy people in your life. (Those people are sure refreshing to have around though!)
And to be vulnerable to hurt, to keep caring, blessing, and serving even though you know there are more tears to come… that’s either crazy, or it’s love. I am definitely feeling a little crazy. But I know I love these people fiercely. So even when I perceive them to be spitefully using me, and cursing me, and hating me, and just being selfish jerks… I know what I gotta do.