Sequestered with Teens; Day 13

My feet made me cry. Then Pearl Jam made me cry.

I cuddled up on the couch to watch church this morning, and I noticed my feet. I have my dad’s feet. Long and bony. I wish I had a picture of his feet. I never want to forget his feet. That seems so silly. But it’s not.

Then Ayden shuffled Pearl Jam on the Alexa. Just Breathe came on… and it became hard to breathe. I remember playing this song for Dad when he was in and out of consciousness (mostly out) the day before he died. We played the song in the slide show at his service. Yes, I understand that every life must end… Stay with me, let’s just breathe… Did I say that I need you? Did I say I want you? Stay with me…Meet you on the other side. It stills feels unreal. How is my dad dead? I can’t describe, because really I don’t understand, how I am fine one second and then crippled by sadness and loss in the next second. It hits me like a mac truck. And then shortly after that, my mind is jumping from memories, some good and some bad… of childhood fun to Dad being sick, then to my to-do list, or how I really need to weed, or what we’ll eat for dinner. Then suddenly… I’m back to dry eyes and living my life… until the next unexpected expected moment when the reality of Dad’s death hits me again.

All in all, besides the tears… the day was good. I cleaned (deja vu). Alexis worked. Jesse, Phoenix, Ayden, and I went on the boat. We had to buy one-day fishing licenses in Oregon, and use a boat launch in Oregon, since fishing is closed and boat launches are off-limits in Washington. [Insert rolling eyes, and shaking head]. We saw some sea lions, got pretty close to one, fed some ducks, and got one dang bite. I started watching Handmaid’s Tale. Phoenix and I watched Body Guard. Love me some Kevin Costner. A well-spent day I’d say.