Just Let Me Be

I keep thinking that I can’t do this again. But then I realize that I can, and I will… if I must. I am struggling, and I’m not even the one with cancer.

I can’t focus. I don’t know what to do with myself. I want to read, but I really don’t feel like reading. I want to work on my story, but I don’t feel very happy and inspired. I should work, but I feel like quitting. I could clean my house, but I know by now that is a cop-out, a safe mindless activity to keep me from pain. I don’t feel like smiling, and the tears aren’t coming either. I’m angry, I’m disgusted, I’m blah… I can’t even put words to how I truly feel right now. I don’t even think I feel much at all. Like I am an empty shell in a dark unkind world.

I could sleep. I could close the blinds on the evening sunshine, and crawl into my bed. Shut my eyes to the world, and put my mind to sleep. I could do that. Rest my heavy face, and my pouting lips on the satin pillow case and pray for dreams of peace to envelope me throughout the night.

Sleep would be easier than breathing. I seem to forget to breathe. Not completely of course. But the shallow breaths that come naturally are enough to keep me alive, but not enough to thrive.

So many ‘buts’.

There’s sadness and pain, BUT…

Life is so good, BUT…

I am so blessed, BUT…

I want to go to sleep, BUT…

I don’t want to do this again, BUT…

I’m so heavy. I don’t want your encouragement. I don’t want your speech meant to pump me up, to motivate me. I don’t need you to make me feel better, because you can’t. No one can. That’s between me and God.

How callous I sound. So insensitive. So negative.

When I’m ready, I’ll wash my face. I’ll put music on, and sing to it. I’ll smile. I’ll crawl out of the covers and make my bed. I’ll invite the sun to shine in my room. When I’m ready. For now, I’m going to pout. I’m going to shut the world out. I’m not going to pretend to be amused with you, or laugh at your jokes. I’m not going to be fake for your comfort or entertainment. I am going to crawl into myself and let myself sit in this stink. This is me being real in this moment. For tomorrow is a new day. A new day of victory, of sunshine, of life that I am called to live. But tonight, just let me be.

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