Two Steps Forward, Three Steps Back

 

I think exhaustion and hunger set the stage. We’d been working on our house renovation all weekend, and by 9:30pm all I’d eaten all day was avocado toast, and granola. Oh… and cake and chips and dip. It was my birthday. My first birthday without my dad.

Talk about two steps forward and three steps back.

The majority of the last few weeks has been good. I’m not crying everyday. I’m not dwelling on my loss or sadness. I’m singing in the car more.

But then it was time to pack up my dad’s man cave. And then it was my birthday.

So just when I thought I was moving forward, maybe even moving out of the heavy part of grief… I’m triggered. I’m dragged back into the deep dark despair. The reality that my dad is gone. My dad is dead.

I woke up feeling positive, motivated. But the evening wrapped up with swollen eyes and stuffed up sinuses from full-body sobbing. Alone, wailing like a child, I let it out. But I can’t seem to let it all out… there’s still more inside.

All day, I was surrounded by people that love me. We laughed and enjoyed each other’s company, and they even helped with the renovation! But in the quiet moments of reflection at the end of the day, my cup feels so empty. I miss hearing my dad answer my calls, “Hello Beautiful Daughter!”. I miss his encouragement. I miss him seeing the positive in every situation.

I just miss him so much.