Wrestling with Big Questions

Even though I would love to be granted the wisdom to know why my dad died, I know I won’t be. At least not in this life. But there are other questions I am asking. Questions bred from my grief. Questions that challenge the depth of my faith, and that are pushing me to dig deeper… to get better acquainted to God. To reconcile the broken pieces, the shattered perceptions of who God really is.

The questions aren’t asked in the innocence of a child. They taste of bitterness. Colored with anger. And wreaking of confusion.

We say God protects us. From what though? From eternal damnation only? While I am not downplaying the gift of an eternity spent in Heaven, I just want some clarification. Pain, suffering, horrible things happen every day. Where is the protection?

How can God be merciful when my dad went through so much pain at the end? Is my understanding of ‘merciful’ faulted?

We proclaim that we stand on His promises. What promises?

We’re told to see ourselves the way God sees us. How does He see us? Who am I ‘in Christ’? What does that even mean?

Does it really matter if I ask God for things in prayer? History is already written. The future is decided. The request for healing, for blessings… is it all a waste of breath?

Was it God’s will that my dad die? Or consequences to Dad’s actions that God didn’t want him to do?

And the million dollar question… Why do bad things happen to good people?

For the last few months, I’ve just been wrestling with these questions, but not seeking answers. My questioning has left me antsy. The bipolar basis of my praising God one moment for all the things I am so grateful for, and then the next moment questioning all He stands for is exhausting and giving me whiplash.

Matthew 7:7 says, “Ask and it will be given… Seek and you will find…”

In The Pursuit of God, A.W Tozer makes a great point that people usually seek ‘God and…’. God and healing. God and wisdom. God and a promotion. God and…. fill in the blank. He goes on to say that we need to seek just GOD himself. That is profound. Tozer also says that God is waiting to be wanted.

I don’t understand so much. But I have a fire to get understanding. I am committed to seek. Committed to pursue God. I am asking, and I am seeking. Every experience in life gives us an opportunity to distance ourselves from God, or to use it to draw closer to Him. I’m going to use this horrible, tragic, devastating experience of losing my dad to draw nearer to God, and to dig deeper into who He is and who I am in Him.